At this point I spent a good amount of time on light duty, I couldn’t shake the pneumonia, or the feeling out of breath. Id stay behind at the station to rearrange the Bins, clean the tool shed, paint, lollipop trees, and just be of use at the station.
It ate away at me.
Id wave goodbye to the guys as they left the station, holding my head down in shame after they left. I prided myself in being a hard worker, you may be smarter, or have more years on me, but I was consistent, and would trudge up a hill till we got over it, with a smile. After being in jail, and fighting to be there, to be a firefighter, this was just another battle I needed to get thru, to be happy again.
I had helped Zip thru out most of my time on light duty, but now, I was assigned to roll hose. I took out each roll of hose in our equipment bin and re-rolled each one. Did it need to be done? No, but I wanted to do it, and made it known that even though I stayed back, I prided myself in my work ethic, and would make each one of our bins fucking shine. If the guys were tired, id want to be just as tired. If the guys were dirty, I needed to be just as dirty. I didn’t want to be seen as lazy, or as if I was taking it easy.
One of the guys on the crew would repeatedly tell me
“Uso, we know you’re working hard, we know”
But I didn’t believe them, or at least, I didn’t believe someone could view my busy work as hard work, when they spent most of the day hiking/training. This all came to a head when someone on the crew wasn’t cutting it, in terms of taking the job seriously, and just bullshiting his way through everything. He had spent the prior season talking shit and joking, which we all enjoyed to a point. But this was a new season, and he was constantly nagging about hiking, and being a drag. He was being let go early.
On the day he was told he was being let go, I was the only one at the station. Other then my Captian and our Squaddie who had a meeting with him. I was in the bunks cleaning everything when he walked in and began cleaning out his locker. Was this what was going to happen to me? Was I next? Surely they could see that I loved this job and tried to pull my weight.
The former crew member and I talked for a little while, he mentioned that he’d see me the next day, when I already knew that was a lie.
“Its alright man, i’m tryin out for a crew up north” he told me
“That’s great dude” I told him, my head spinning, thinking I was next on the chopping block. I shook his hand, and said id see him tomorrow. Ive spoken with him a few times since, he’s gone back to his side hustle of working pools and other things, he’s still trying out for that crew up north. Weirdly enough, I missed him. As a person, not one of the crew.
A week would go by as I felt all eyes were on me as the “weak” one now. Even though everyone on the crew would tell me positive things, and how much they missed me going out, I couldn’t shake the thought that I was the new, “weak” one. One day, right before our shift ended I was summoned to our Chiefs office. Thinking I had done something wrong, I asked the person who called me over if I was in trouble
“Fuck if I know fucker, just go” he told me. Fully expecting this to be the moment I was laid off, I waited outside the Chiefs door, and let out a sigh as I knocked.
“Come in!” yelled Chief.
Walking in, i saw my Chief, Captian, and Squaddie. I tried my hardest to keep up, to get better, but this was it for me, for the season. Chief asked me if I wanted to sit, I declined and said if it was okay to stand. He said it was. I was on the verge of a panic attack.
“Robo, how’ve you been?” Chief asked
“Im good Chief”
“Robo, come on, i’m asking as a friend”
“Chief, i’m being honest, i’m good” I replied.
“What’s happening?” I thought.
Scanning their faces, they were being sincere.
“We know you’ve been down on yourself” he said.
The conversation revolved around my health, how I felt I wasn’t worthy of being at the station, and how I kept to myself when everyone tried to get me to hang out after shift.
I again held my head down in shame. There was a wave of guilt rushing over me. In todays society where were measured by our productivity, I felt I was an anchor around my crews neck, holding them back, holding them down. I started to choke up, my eyes welling up with tears as I tried to remain composed, and say something.
“ Ill get better…I just need a little time to…please….this is the only job i’ve ever really loved”
Looking up at these three men, my eyes turned to my Squaddie, a man who I respected immensely, as he had been on the job for five years, did time in jail, and would later move on to a structure department. He was a flawed man who found his way, someone I wanted to be like.
“I know I fucked up my life, but if I can help one of you guys move onto something bigger, i’m happy” he would tell all of us.
My chief and Captian had pained expressions, but my Squaddie started to choke up, his eyes getting red as he said
“It kills me watching you struggle up the hill Robo…because I know you like being in the front”.
The three men walked up to me, and hugged me explaining that they just wanted to make sure I was okay. Ive never cried over a job, if I was let go of a bartending job, id just get another one. If I was let go of a kitchen job, id just get another one. I didn’t want to try out for a crew up north, like the person who was let go, this was my crew.
“Making me fucking cry Robo” my Squaddie would tell me.
I shook each persons hand, and was told I belonged. Walking out of the office, I sat on a big wooden bench crews from years before made. I sat there in the sun, watching some of the guys work on the Type 6’s, others going over DMV stuff for the Type 3’s, and the rookies talking hand tools and which knives are better.
My eyes were red from crying, my nerves shot from thinking I was being let go from the only job ill ever truly love, but my heart was full.
My family doesn’t get it, friends outside of fire don’t get it, very few people get it.
The love we have for this job and the people, even years after some of us leave, shows the bond we all have.
And why we all miss summer.
-Robo